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The Skinny on Auckland:

Today’s lesson is on Auckland and all the things a woman/man needs to know about living in this town.

The center of the city looks and feels like downtown New York city. Even if you’ve never been there, you’ve seen it on TV. So you know what I’m talking about. You’re surrounded by sky scrapers. The sidewalks (though they call them “foot paths” here) are crammed with people of every ethnicity. They’re all in a hurry to get somewhere very important, and they’re all totally blasé about the fact that they live in gigantic, world-class hustle and bustle city.

Once you leave the one main street in downtown Auckland you’re immediately transported to cozy, lazy suburbs of England. Everyone drives on the left hand side of the road. There’s a coffee shop and convenience store every block and a half. The houses are quaint, and they’re not afraid to sit right next to a business, unlike in American suburbs.

If you could walk outside your house and see things I just described you’d probably want to go on a nice walk and take it all in. If you plan on doing that in Auckland, I hope you’ve been working out on a stair climber twice a day all year because Auckland has eighty thousand hills. Whenever I see some little woman in heals pushing a baby cart I feel like apologizing that she has to walk/climb up what I just rolled down.

Keeping the hills in mind, the next lesson is Auckland fashion. If you ever wished you could wear knee-high, lime green plether platform boots without being ostracized then Auckland is the place for you. When I was packing for my move to the pacific I figured clothes first, shoes last. Wrong. All a women needs are some short-shorts, a few denim mini skirts and black tights. The black tights are important. You must wear them with everything. Shoe wise, just assume that if you’re American your shoe collection is boring and small. If it’s not green, up to your knees with gold buttons, forget it, I’d walk on the side streets until you raise a billion dollars to afford a real collection. When it comes to tops, the only theme I could find was just don’t wear anything that I wear and you may have something.

Men on the other hand have it easy. You can find this fashion in every major city in America. Just latch on to a gay man while shopping and buy all the stuff he buys. You’ll be looking good in Aucktown. Except shoes, those you have to buy locally, after you sell you kids on the black market. Remember the eighties movies with the mean businesswomen wearing skinny, pointy high heals. Men wear those with a slightly less heal. If it takes you less the five minutes to stuff your fat foot into it, don’t buy it. I watched an Aussie break two shoes horns just to get one shoe on, he loved them.

Travis has requested that I now discuss the food and drink situation here. I use the word situation because while there is an amazing selection of food and drink, all that you will be able to afford is a cappuccino and bread. The days of eating until you’re stuffed, and then saving the left over’s for later will be gone when you land in this city. The restaurants feed you a marvelous variety of ethnic choices, in healthy proportions. Let me tell you America, you will not be impressed with healthy proportions! If you think you can cure your hunger by going to the “dairy” and buying your food you are mistaken. Without knowing it you will begin to reduce the quality and amount of food you consume each day. Hoping that some how the three bags of groceries that you brought home yesterday (a four billion mile walk, up hill both ways) will last four or five weeks. I’ll mention beer briefly. You can’t afford it, the end.

In case you’re thinking that Auckland is too wacked for you, think again. It is an amazing city with every kind of ethnic group you can imagine. Travis had his hair cut by a guy from Bermuda. There’s a lively Asian population here to make you feel tall (only if you too are wearing your ten inch heals), and tons of drunken Aussies. I really don’t recall ever seeing one not blitzed. Just except to be fashionably retarded, and replace dietary staples like meat and potato’s with peanut butter sandwiches and you will love living in the city of hills.


2 Responses

  1. Once I have your mailing address I will send you & Travis some money for beer. It’s a damn shame you can’t afford beer! It just ain’t right

  2. Hey Amber and Travis!

    I’m Melissa, a kiwi living in Christchurch (you’ll have to visit the Sth Island sometime) and my american boyfriend who lives in WA suggested I look at your blog. This post cracked me up..soo funny! It is very true that us Kiwis don’t know an unhealthy portionsize if it hit us on the head!

    It is great reading about your adventures in Aotearoa. Check out ‘student job search’ http://www.sjs.org.nz (I think), as they list some great jobs on the site. Keep the great advice coming about relocating, it’s super helpful as I’m wanting to make a big move myself in a few months time 🙂

    All the best,

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